Monday, December 11, 2017

Steve reviews The Force Awakens... the comments section at Vox Day's.  I have tickets to see The Last Jedi on Saturday. But I can't say that my expectations are very high.
I finally saw about half-to-[two-]thirds of The Star Track Awakens recently because I have a little boy who likes the robot character BB King and demands to see it on Netflix. 
I really don't know what the fuss is about. 
Bargain Bin Keira Knightley couldn't act her way out of a damp paper bag. She's not terrible, she's quite pretty in a boobless, definitely-check-her-ID sort of way, but teeters on the verge of being insufferable for the entire film. 
D'Shawn the Stormtrooper is a bag of meh too. Apart from being incredibly sweaty and spazzing out because someone gets a tiny bit of blood on his helmet (so much for the training at stormtrooper school), he's a completely forgettable and redundant character. 
Dago Han Solo - gay. 
Actual Han Solo - cuts a pathetic figure, still dressed like he did in the 70's even though he looks about 90 now. At least his dog is still alive but even he doesn't look happy. 
Dork Helmet - Terrible. I felt like cringing whenever he flew into an infantile rage. They lampshade his difficulty enunciating through his breathing mask early on in the film, but that doesn't forgive the fact I could only make out about 2 words out of 3 - at best. James Earl Jones' elocution teacher wept. 
Grand Moff Rick Astley - I didn't believe for a second that this pissy ginger nerd was some sort of badass leader of men. He came across more like a peevish assistant manager at PC World. 
Carrie Fisher - they did a good job on the CGI to make her look slightly under 300 lbs. 
Gollum - dunno why he was even in this film. 
Orange Female Mr Magoo Yoda - I don't remember anything she said or did, because I was distracted by the way her eyes look like they're set in puckered bumholes. 
The usual teevee sci fi worldbuilding credibility problems exist. In Star Force'scase, we're supposed to believe that these people live in a society which has mastered cheap, easy faster-than-light travel, AI, and antigravity. Fine. But why, then, does everyone seem to be poor? [ed. note: this one doesn't bother me at all, on the other hand.  We have all kinds of fantastic technology in OUR world too, and yet most people are poor and getting poorer, even in the so-called First World.]
Overall I give The Last Starfighter Awakens two light-phasers out of five. It's apparently entertaining enough for preschoolers, but only for about 20 minutes until they decide to do something more amusing such as trying to shoot the cat with a nerf gun. The new characters are all garbage except for BB King, and he's just R2D2 after eating too many robo-carbs.

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